Introspection

[setra]

When did everything change? I think this as I read "Camelia", on of Talya firedancers latest. Yami no Matsuei, so dark, su equisitely, deeply sad. Especially Oriya. Yet I could never get myself to read the manga, to settle down and work my brain into it until I knew what was happening. Easier to watch the Anime, short though it is, and try to glean something from flowing animation and rolling voices. Yes, this is what YnM does to my mind, twisting it toward something dark and poetic that even I can't do anything useful with. This is what MadamHydra's Duo used to do to me, Dominion Road, Mechanics of Control, dark, smooth, imortal, all pale skin and violet eyes. Really, falling for Aya wasn't so hard when you look back at my history. Duo, Xelloss, Clavis, Irvine, How many others that i don't even think of? And that's only violet eyes. That's not covering the pale complexion that covers most of those and adds so many more: Kunzite, Muraki, even Byron (B5). Really, Schu was the stretch for me in terms of physical apperence. Flame-red hair and green-blue eyes. But there it was the telepathy that assured my addiction, I suppose. No, I know. Telepathy, control, just that touch of subtle manipulation. The choice to be 'evil', not for the power as Bester was, but for the joy of it.
Yes, perhaps that only further compounds the oddity of my addiction, perhaps it makes me that much sicker, or further lost to this strange sweet world I've wound about myself. I don't know of these things, nor do I wish to. Knowing would ony allow me to change, and I have no desire for that. Only the introspection interests me, analyzing my half-forgotten past with poetic words and dark images. Another level of the addiction, the self-importance spurring my languid creativty to poems or prose. Some like this, others more obscure, deeper into the fantasy. Only to be read again with forgetful eyes in two years, or five, or ten when I've forgotten evenrything but the image and everything comes flowing back to me slowly with renewed addiction. Indeed, the cycle perpetuates itself there I suppose.
Now it's time to go home back to the cold-warm confusion and loss that is my family. As long as I keep my heart safe in the fantasy, I will me safe.


Todays Birthday: Sasame - Knight of Sound (Pretear)
Current Bishounen: Oriya (YnM) and Mikagami Tokiya (FoR)