setra: (rain/ayato - know myself)
Been on vacation for almost a week now. And a couple of things have happened.
First - I have friends. Places to be and people to see and things to do. I know this would taper off if I lived here, but it feels unbelievably nice to have people to see and talk to and to bring me into new things.
Second, I love my mom's house. Maybe it's just that I'm starting from scratch and a clean foundation, maybe it's that I haven't run out of money yet, but it feels so good to live here, to make food and clean up and sew a bit.
Third, Val texted me and said that they will need a new RTL as of 10/22. And holy shit, why do things like this keep happening? If there has been a message the universe has been trying to send me, I think it might well be 'go back to Colorado'.

Or am I feeling all this because I'm on vacation? I mean, the difference between thinking about going back to work at 2228 versus 2173 is night and day. The smiles I saw on people's faces at the Ft. Collins store and the number of people in the building.... there would still be a shrink plan to follow but... god, I feel like with Val and Shawna I could manage that. I'd be included, I'd know what the hell was going on and what to /do/. I could get back to the place where there are standards and they are enforced.

It's the dream. Anyway. I need to talk to mom about the possibility of living here and/or taking her car if I sold mine. I need to talk to Rob about whether he would stay in Washington if I moved in October. And I need to decide in my heart if this is what I want. In my dreams I can imagine that I could get a better job in Seattle, but there is something in me that fails to go out and do those things, and maybe here... god I hate making choices. They change everything and change is so miserable.
setra: (Default)
So... started out the day pretty positive and played some RockBand. We were getting no reply from K about watching RvB tonight. No reply at all. So we decided to go check and make sure she got home from the airport/was all right/whatever... got there and realized that 1) she was fine but had not heard her phone and 2) was expecting to watch RvB at her place rather than ours. We still needed to leave to get food because we missed the turn on the way.
Also, I was planning to cook dinner at our place. I had mentioned this last night. When I mentioned to J that I'd been planning to do stuff at our place tonight, she said 'but K doesn't like coming to our place'. Which of course left me thinking about our situation. Again.

To me our living room isn't that bad. Especially right now, most of the mess is just blankets (which I fold up and then get draped over every available surface within a week) and remotes/controlers. My sewing table is in the living area, but I try to contain the mess from it. Not well but. Yeah. There are a lot of boxes still. Some because we don't have enough shelving. And some because my bedroom is tiny and already literally full of other boxes that I'm not allowed to keep in storage anymore.

So here I am, feeling worthless and judged and unhappy after having an otherwise great day. I hate that I can't tell how much of it is legitimate emotion and how much is the overall swing of a depression cycle. Or is the overall swing of depression still legitimate emotion? Beh. I hate that the only path I can see out of this is to get rid of a lot of my stuff. I have tried. I got rid of a ton of fabric, I've taken boxes of stuff to the thrift store. I've sold almost all my books and a lot of my cds.

ETA: Jess did end up unpacking a bunch of books that have been in her room since we moved. So It should be easier to sort through the manga now. Of course, she did this in a kind of cranky "I don't want to be doing work" way, but it did happen. And I emptied about three boxes of random crap. Still working on a couple more, those boxes are the worst, but easiest to get rid of stuff when I'm in the right mood.

Kat did come over and we watched the RvB S10 premiere and started S9. Which is pretty epic, I won't lie.
setra: (Default)
We've been living in the new apartment - the one that will live forever as 221. Seriously. It's #221, and there are three rooms, with mine in the middle, so I officially live in 221B. Because I say so.

1) Have new kitchen table and day off tomorrow, have also been turned into zombie by 19 hours awake and was useless all afternoon.
2) Have been reading fic again.
2b) Lorem Ipsum may be the best thing I've found in fandom in a long while. It absolutely made my week. There is so much to love about it. Also - Marie has art for it! Lots of art! AND there's podfic for two bits. AND AND she has blanket permission to podfic or remix the series!
2c) If well-handled kink/DS/S&M are [personal profile] calhale's thing... then I've remembered that MMF OT3s are absolutely mine. Dear sweet fuck, Lorem Ipsum had... everything. And it is amazing. I need to go find our Masako threesomes or something maybe.
3) Get to start adding music to Minds Like Ours. Which is back from beta-listener with no terrible edits. ^_^
4) Listening to the Sherlock soundtracks and to as many of Caitlin's brilliant songs as I can get hold of makes me a little giddy.

Unrelated art: this and this are the sweetest things I've ever seen.
setra: (Default)
I watched "A Scandal in Belgravia" again last night.
1) I had forgotten what a profoundly wonderful episode it is, and what it feels like when an episode is so very very Sherlock-centric. Even Reichenbach had very strong John Watson point-of-view. Belgravia is really all Sherlock all the time... with John reacting rather than acting.
2) I now want slightly bondagey Irene/Sherlock after /he/ is "dead" too... hiding in Europe from the remainder of Moriarty's gang. He's seen that John and the others are safe and he's left London (as canon Holmes did) to protect them all. And he's wandering Europe, doing what he can to scrape by. She has already had many more months to settle into a life of sorts, and the power imbalance of her being settled and probably still wealthy while he is now little better than a vagrant (albeit one with the mind of a god).
[ETA - I did find this one. Which is set right at the end of Belgravia, and is pretty good. It gets a tone and an image across that I like, though I now have a powerful desire to remix is a bit. >.>]

Anyway. What a productive weekend I'm having. Not. We did move all the major bits of our lives on friday, and had a great night at Karaoke last night for Neko's birthday, but unpacking and whittling down the fabric collection are both going very slowly.

New Home~

Aug. 9th, 2010 04:37 pm
setra: (Default)
-to Seattle all safe and sound, with no car explosions
-All stuff moved into apartment and out of storage locker
-sexy couch with massive ottoman (like Niou's, for anyone that cares)
-two dressers so that Maya can keep her clothes somewhere not on the floor
-internet installation set up for wednesday

-shelves for DVDs, books, games, manga, and Maya's fabric
-stable craft table for Yudu (or else use my sewing table)
-storage/drawer and things for other craft supplies
-to call the DTL and arrange for my first day of work, etc.
-to finish my quilts and start on Tamir and Clow. XD

Also, I love Rock pizza and Fajita Pitas. Done.
setra: (Default)
Hi all.
As most of you know, I'm in the process of moving with [profile] jenshinobi and [profile] ladyofthegate. We're mostly out of the old house today, and will be sleeping at the apt, but the internet won't arrive to join us there until the 9th.
Platina (laptop) is staying back with the internets for the moment, and I'll try to be around atleast once a day to check email and LJ, but I won't be around for much more than that.

Tenimyu-types: all packages have been sent out and refunds are being issued in the order payment was recieved. My bank is taking forever to process the e-checks back to paypal, so I appologize for that.

My new cell number, the one that is NOT 690-7897 is the best way to contact me. Drop me an email if you don't have it or need it.

setra: (Default)
I hate this. I really f-ing hate this. Two days ago my mother says "I'm going out of town wednesday night, so stay home and be sisterly to Arella because she's promised not to have people over or go out or anything. So I say, "Okay, sure." Typical me, just wants to make mom happy, and help Arella be OK.
So then at dinner tonight, Arella goes, "I'm going to have some people over tonight."
"Okay... was this in your agreement with mom?"
"No. I'm, ah... breakin' the law. But since I'm going to do it anyway, I just wanted to let you know and see if you wanted to set some ground rules."
So I say two things. No illegal activities and everyone gone/Arella at home by midnight.
So she says, "Ok."

Then I go out to study with Salem and Trevor. Only this is Trevor... so we end up at his friends house where everyone is smoking and drinking. I basically read him the answers for the homework. I did get some work done on matricies, which was good, but I didn't get home untill 1:45.

Arella and all 8-10 of her "people" were still here. The front door was inexplicably locked.

And I say "Arella, does midnight mean anything to you?"
"I... um, told you when you made them that I wouldn't be following them." says she.
So here I am... smelling of smoke, having gotten no work done yet again, feeling used like my mother must constantly feel. With the smell of smoke coming from Arella's room (which is right next to mine)...
And I hate this. I hate this powerlessness. I'm not her mother, I don't really have the power to control her or force her to do anything. And Mom won't even when she gets back.
I just can't do this anymore. But at the same time, I can't leave her here because god knows what would happen. I don't know...
I had a post earlier today while the servers were down... I'll post it tomorrow... I forgot to email it to myself.

Plus, I used a different shampoo tonight... and it must be the same stuff that Austin uses because I was wearing my hair down and I kept thinking that I smelled his hair... anyway... that's what happened until the cigarette smoke permeated everything... now I can't smell anything.

And I'm not even going to start my dorm rant. I will be in Salem's hall, with a friend of hers named Maggie. Who seems nice. Hates cats though... that's all I know... Either way... I won't be in Ellis. Making it rather difficult to share and PS2 and Tenkuu no Requiem with Kat-senpai. But I might still try, I don't know. I just keep hearing these conversations in my head...
"So what kind of music do you listen to?"
"Um... japanese stuff mostly."
"Oh... uh... anything american?"
"Hm... Alanis Morisette, Sarah McLaughlin... no one else really famous... Ani Defranco occationally..."
"Ok... so what tv shows do you watch."
"I haven't had tv for a couple of years... I used to watch Babylon 5... Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing..."

I just... why am I doing this? Why am I going to be putting myself into a situation like this with someone I don't know... there was meant to be a plan to this... at least in MY head there was...
Why shouldn't I just stay at home where it's cheaper and I have a mother, and food, and...
I must be tired... I'm crying now... and I have class in 6 and a half hours... and damnit. I can't sleep like this, everything smells like smoke... and it makes me hate myself... even though I didn't do any of it, I was there and I reek of it...
Why can't I just be done? Why don't they just hand me a report card and say 'Here. It's over. You're screwed, get over it.'


setra: (Default)

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