Contemplation
Sep. 8th, 2012 01:08 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
setraBeen on vacation for almost a week now. And a couple of things have happened.
First - I have friends. Places to be and people to see and things to do. I know this would taper off if I lived here, but it feels unbelievably nice to have people to see and talk to and to bring me into new things.
Second, I love my mom's house. Maybe it's just that I'm starting from scratch and a clean foundation, maybe it's that I haven't run out of money yet, but it feels so good to live here, to make food and clean up and sew a bit.
Third, Val texted me and said that they will need a new RTL as of 10/22. And holy shit, why do things like this keep happening? If there has been a message the universe has been trying to send me, I think it might well be 'go back to Colorado'.
Or am I feeling all this because I'm on vacation? I mean, the difference between thinking about going back to work at 2228 versus 2173 is night and day. The smiles I saw on people's faces at the Ft. Collins store and the number of people in the building.... there would still be a shrink plan to follow but... god, I feel like with Val and Shawna I could manage that. I'd be included, I'd know what the hell was going on and what to /do/. I could get back to the place where there are standards and they are enforced.
It's the dream. Anyway. I need to talk to mom about the possibility of living here and/or taking her car if I sold mine. I need to talk to Rob about whether he would stay in Washington if I moved in October. And I need to decide in my heart if this is what I want. In my dreams I can imagine that I could get a better job in Seattle, but there is something in me that fails to go out and do those things, and maybe here... god I hate making choices. They change everything and change is so miserable.
First - I have friends. Places to be and people to see and things to do. I know this would taper off if I lived here, but it feels unbelievably nice to have people to see and talk to and to bring me into new things.
Second, I love my mom's house. Maybe it's just that I'm starting from scratch and a clean foundation, maybe it's that I haven't run out of money yet, but it feels so good to live here, to make food and clean up and sew a bit.
Third, Val texted me and said that they will need a new RTL as of 10/22. And holy shit, why do things like this keep happening? If there has been a message the universe has been trying to send me, I think it might well be 'go back to Colorado'.
Or am I feeling all this because I'm on vacation? I mean, the difference between thinking about going back to work at 2228 versus 2173 is night and day. The smiles I saw on people's faces at the Ft. Collins store and the number of people in the building.... there would still be a shrink plan to follow but... god, I feel like with Val and Shawna I could manage that. I'd be included, I'd know what the hell was going on and what to /do/. I could get back to the place where there are standards and they are enforced.
It's the dream. Anyway. I need to talk to mom about the possibility of living here and/or taking her car if I sold mine. I need to talk to Rob about whether he would stay in Washington if I moved in October. And I need to decide in my heart if this is what I want. In my dreams I can imagine that I could get a better job in Seattle, but there is something in me that fails to go out and do those things, and maybe here... god I hate making choices. They change everything and change is so miserable.
