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setraI am a fandom addict. Bit long, bit dark, possibly bit not good.
I've always known that I had an addictive personality. It runs through my family, and while mostly we manage it well - my father by achieving and being brilliant (and an ass) in just about anything he wants to, my sister with real drugs and then slowly later with her cat and with relationships, and me with fandoms - but it's still an addiction of sorts, we have certain compulsions, and we tend to deal with them ourselves rather than doing the medication thing. Probably we could look into that, but that's not the point. Point is, I've always been the one that got deeper into a fandom than anyone else around me IRL. I've always loved characters and settings more deeply than most people - I think that's true of a lot of people in Fandom proper, but when I was growing up, I didn't have that support and there wasn't really much internet. Among my friends, I was always the one who internalized things about a show, went one step further (I won't say 'too far' but some people certianly thought so) than any of my friends... sometimes quite a few steps. More importantly, whatever fandom I was in (Star Trek, Pern, Babylon 5, La Femme Nikita, Lord of the Rings, Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing, and on and on) I always always wanted more of that story. Lots of times that means fanfiction, and most of the time that means a particular pairing or angle on the expansion of the world that appeals to me. Finding the right thing - the right story, something new in that fandom - has always been thrilling, and for years, as long as I've been self-aware enough to journal, I've called it a high and I've known it was addiction.
That's my weakness and it is one that I've learned to manage and to use to my advantage in some situations. I self-medicate for depression with fandom, I try to conserve what I have and find things I really love so that I have something good when I need it. As drugs go, it's pretty safe, pretty legal, encourages thought and creativity and reading, and is mostly free... beats the heck out of smoking or drinking. On top of all this, I've always been a very slow reader, and preferred audio books when I can get them... needless to say, podfic was a dream of mine before there was such a thing as an iPod, and is now my absolute drug of choice.
The last few weeks, with all the new Sherlock (movie and episodes and fic and meta), I've been on a bit of a binge. And then finding new parts to the Paradox Series this morning and last night... and spending the better part of the night and morning savoring and re-savoring just one of those recordings (revolutionaryjo's lovely reading of "A Thousand Threads...") was the most glorious day of the winter so far.
Then tonight I found two other bits of the story, and found that podfic of those existed as well. I then proceeded to have a heart-wrenching feeling of loss as I found links... that were to MegaUpload. There are MF mirrors, but it was a long while before I found them and... It's hard to realize that even after all this, even though I've lived so much of my life with a relatively tame, non-invasive, non-harmful addiction, that it is an addiction. I am dependent upon fandom to exist and create these magnificent works of art and love that I consume. And I still wouldn't know what to do if it was taken away from me.
Remind me someday to make a list of Fine and Not Fine in my life, and explain how very very much sense that all makes to me in Paradox. God, I'm a bit cracked, aren't I?
For years, fanfiction and slash has been my "anti-drug"... Here's hoping this insane country isn't about to take away the internet as we know it, because without transformative works like fanfiction and AMVs and character-based role playing, I genuinely have no idea who I would be. Certainly not the person I am, that's for sure.
I've always known that I had an addictive personality. It runs through my family, and while mostly we manage it well - my father by achieving and being brilliant (and an ass) in just about anything he wants to, my sister with real drugs and then slowly later with her cat and with relationships, and me with fandoms - but it's still an addiction of sorts, we have certain compulsions, and we tend to deal with them ourselves rather than doing the medication thing. Probably we could look into that, but that's not the point. Point is, I've always been the one that got deeper into a fandom than anyone else around me IRL. I've always loved characters and settings more deeply than most people - I think that's true of a lot of people in Fandom proper, but when I was growing up, I didn't have that support and there wasn't really much internet. Among my friends, I was always the one who internalized things about a show, went one step further (I won't say 'too far' but some people certianly thought so) than any of my friends... sometimes quite a few steps. More importantly, whatever fandom I was in (Star Trek, Pern, Babylon 5, La Femme Nikita, Lord of the Rings, Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing, and on and on) I always always wanted more of that story. Lots of times that means fanfiction, and most of the time that means a particular pairing or angle on the expansion of the world that appeals to me. Finding the right thing - the right story, something new in that fandom - has always been thrilling, and for years, as long as I've been self-aware enough to journal, I've called it a high and I've known it was addiction.
That's my weakness and it is one that I've learned to manage and to use to my advantage in some situations. I self-medicate for depression with fandom, I try to conserve what I have and find things I really love so that I have something good when I need it. As drugs go, it's pretty safe, pretty legal, encourages thought and creativity and reading, and is mostly free... beats the heck out of smoking or drinking. On top of all this, I've always been a very slow reader, and preferred audio books when I can get them... needless to say, podfic was a dream of mine before there was such a thing as an iPod, and is now my absolute drug of choice.
The last few weeks, with all the new Sherlock (movie and episodes and fic and meta), I've been on a bit of a binge. And then finding new parts to the Paradox Series this morning and last night... and spending the better part of the night and morning savoring and re-savoring just one of those recordings (
revolutionaryjo's lovely reading of "A Thousand Threads...") was the most glorious day of the winter so far.Then tonight I found two other bits of the story, and found that podfic of those existed as well. I then proceeded to have a heart-wrenching feeling of loss as I found links... that were to MegaUpload. There are MF mirrors, but it was a long while before I found them and... It's hard to realize that even after all this, even though I've lived so much of my life with a relatively tame, non-invasive, non-harmful addiction, that it is an addiction. I am dependent upon fandom to exist and create these magnificent works of art and love that I consume. And I still wouldn't know what to do if it was taken away from me.
Remind me someday to make a list of Fine and Not Fine in my life, and explain how very very much sense that all makes to me in Paradox. God, I'm a bit cracked, aren't I?
For years, fanfiction and slash has been my "anti-drug"... Here's hoping this insane country isn't about to take away the internet as we know it, because without transformative works like fanfiction and AMVs and character-based role playing, I genuinely have no idea who I would be. Certainly not the person I am, that's for sure.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-20 01:06 pm (UTC)Not sure if you still need them, but the rest of the Paradox Series in podfic form can be found at the audiofic archive and at
We'll get through this MU crisis. Fandom and the internet always find a way.