Updateing now, before the frelling computer freezes...

I hate this. I really f-ing hate this. Two days ago my mother says "I'm going out of town wednesday night, so stay home and be sisterly to Arella because she's promised not to have people over or go out or anything. So I say, "Okay, sure." Typical me, just wants to make mom happy, and help Arella be OK.
So then at dinner tonight, Arella goes, "I'm going to have some people over tonight."
"Okay... was this in your agreement with mom?"
"No. I'm, ah... breakin' the law. But since I'm going to do it anyway, I just wanted to let you know and see if you wanted to set some ground rules."
So I say two things. No illegal activities and everyone gone/Arella at home by midnight.
So she says, "Ok."

Then I go out to study with Salem and Trevor. Only this is Trevor... so we end up at his friends house where everyone is smoking and drinking. I basically read him the answers for the homework. I did get some work done on matricies, which was good, but I didn't get home untill 1:45.

Arella and all 8-10 of her "people" were still here. The front door was inexplicably locked.

And I say "Arella, does midnight mean anything to you?"
"I... um, told you when you made them that I wouldn't be following them." says she.
So here I am... smelling of smoke, having gotten no work done yet again, feeling used like my mother must constantly feel. With the smell of smoke coming from Arella's room (which is right next to mine)...
And I hate this. I hate this powerlessness. I'm not her mother, I don't really have the power to control her or force her to do anything. And Mom won't even when she gets back.
I just can't do this anymore. But at the same time, I can't leave her here because god knows what would happen. I don't know...
I had a post earlier today while the servers were down... I'll post it tomorrow... I forgot to email it to myself.

Plus, I used a different shampoo tonight... and it must be the same stuff that Austin uses because I was wearing my hair down and I kept thinking that I smelled his hair... anyway... that's what happened until the cigarette smoke permeated everything... now I can't smell anything.

And I'm not even going to start my dorm rant. I will be in Salem's hall, with a friend of hers named Maggie. Who seems nice. Hates cats though... that's all I know... Either way... I won't be in Ellis. Making it rather difficult to share and PS2 and Tenkuu no Requiem with Kat-senpai. But I might still try, I don't know. I just keep hearing these conversations in my head...
"So what kind of music do you listen to?"
"Um... japanese stuff mostly."
"Oh... uh... anything american?"
"Hm... Alanis Morisette, Sarah McLaughlin... no one else really famous... Ani Defranco occationally..."
"Ok... so what tv shows do you watch."
"I haven't had tv for a couple of years... I used to watch Babylon 5... Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing..."

I just... why am I doing this? Why am I going to be putting myself into a situation like this with someone I don't know... there was meant to be a plan to this... at least in MY head there was...
Why shouldn't I just stay at home where it's cheaper and I have a mother, and food, and...
damn.
I must be tired... I'm crying now... and I have class in 6 and a half hours... and damnit. I can't sleep like this, everything smells like smoke... and it makes me hate myself... even though I didn't do any of it, I was there and I reek of it...
Why can't I just be done? Why don't they just hand me a report card and say 'Here. It's over. You're screwed, get over it.'

Supplement to previous

Ok... so that was pretty bad and not all finished when the computer decided to try exploding.
So, if you really feel the need here's the remainder of my ( Depressed Rant )

Ok... As one might not be suprised to know... apparently "Dreddo 39" was a song capable of making my life a little better.

So.. yeah, I'm going to go to sleep. Or maybe shower (second time tonight) to get the smoke off...

Bishonen: Ranmaru... because he has just that edge of depression and is on my winamp skin.
Bishojo: Shiori and Saihi (for differnt reasons, but the same. girls are bitter and cruel and too easily lost in dark seas of unfathomable emotion (myself no exception))

...or I could go take a quiz...

The Mr. Right Quiz...
You scored 50% Air
In romance, you're drawn to the qualities of an Air Sign. You're turned on by a man's intellect and sense of humor more than his net worth or fine physique. You desire a mate who will match you wit for wit and keep you up all night talking. Air Signs prefer to keep things light and even, so if you want love that's playful, you might be most turned on by a Gemini, a Libra or an Aquarius mate. Read more about these Sun Signs to discover more about their motivations and desires.


You scored 40% Water
In romance, you lean toward qualities exhibited by Water Signs. You seek a mate who is kind and compassionate, not afraid to feel, someone to whom you can really bare your soul. You appreciate romance and sentiment, and though the man you long for may be a bit shy or innocent, he is very, very generous and open-minded. You'd probably love to be with a Cancer, a Scorpio or a Pisces lover. Read more about these Sun Signs to discover more about their motivations and desires.


You scored 10% Earth
In romance, you lean toward qualities exhibited by Earth Signs. You're turned on by affluence and opulence. While you crave status and security, you also want a man with a sensual streak as strong as his stock portfolio. You like to take things slowly and make informed decisions, so you may find a Taurus, a Virgo or a Capricorn lover to be the sexiest match for you. Read more about these Sun Signs to discover more about their motivations and desires.

0% Fire... which is very odd... but ok...