For once, the Rui icon is genuinely because I'm feeling emo.

I'm... tense.
I think that's the right word. I feel like I can't stop thinking, even though I'm exhausted and don't want to think about things at all.

I need to stop looking at stuff about tours/concerts/appearances/performances by my idols. It makes me feel... lonely. Small. Needy. Like... what am I doing wrong in my life that I can't plan like these other people can and get out there to see things. I just... it's been so long since I've been in Japan. And it's hard sometimes. Knowing that if I was braver or a stronger person, with more self-control, I could be there doing these things. I could be seeing these things live, really, and not just sitting here trying to live vicariously.

At the same time, I know I should be incredibly grateful for what I have, which is so much more freedom and shininess than a lot of people get. I AM greatful. I know that I'm lucky. I'm just... having one of those days.

And I have to go to the doctor tomorrow for the first time in like... two years. Starting with blood work. I still hate needles, and I'm not all that fond of doctors and I really really don't want to be told all the things that I already know are wrong with my body and lifestyle.

[Edit: "Beautiful Days" is making me cry. Damn hormones and lack of sleep.]