Contemplation

2012-09-08T07:28:42Z

Been on vacation for almost a week now. And a couple of things have happened.
First - I have friends. Places to be and people to see and things to do. I know this would taper off if I lived here, but it feels unbelievably nice to have people to see and talk to and to bring me into new things.
Second, I love my mom's house. Maybe it's just that I'm starting from scratch and a clean foundation, maybe it's that I haven't run out of money yet, but it feels so good to live here, to make food and clean up and sew a bit.
Third, Val texted me and said that they will need a new RTL as of 10/22. And holy shit, why do things like this keep happening? If there has been a message the universe has been trying to send me, I think it might well be 'go back to Colorado'.

Or am I feeling all this because I'm on vacation? I mean, the difference between thinking about going back to work at 2228 versus 2173 is night and day. The smiles I saw on people's faces at the Ft. Collins store and the number of people in the building.... there would still be a shrink plan to follow but... god, I feel like with Val and Shawna I could manage that. I'd be included, I'd know what the hell was going on and what to /do/. I could get back to the place where there are standards and they are enforced.

It's the dream. Anyway. I need to talk to mom about the possibility of living here and/or taking her car if I sold mine. I need to talk to Rob about whether he would stay in Washington if I moved in October. And I need to decide in my heart if this is what I want. In my dreams I can imagine that I could get a better job in Seattle, but there is something in me that fails to go out and do those things, and maybe here... god I hate making choices. They change everything and change is so miserable.

comments

Cosplay Flailing

2012-04-06T11:55:53Z

So. Fuck. It's 4 AM and since I'm clearly not sleeping, here's where the ranting about why I'm not sleeping goes.
1) Dishes. I am hungry. But when I cook, I wash my dishes immediately. this is currently not possible because the sink is full of the dishes and J and R used to eat the last batch of food I cooked. I only got one serving, and then when I went to take leftovers to work, all the rice had been eaten. Then after today when I would have made more rice, the rest of the hayashi was gone too. Which is fine, I guess, except that I'm the one who dropped $100 the last time we went shopping, and $25 the time before that, and $80 last month, but I digress. The hunger is not really why I'm not sleeping, that's just the excuse.
The real reason is:
2) World Cosplay Summit qualifying rounds for 2013 are being announced... and NDK2012 is hosting one of them. ( Babbling and Depression Ensues )

This is all coming out because I had to spend all my money on car insurance this morning and so can't actually go to SakuraCon even though I requested the weekend off. So now I have four days when I'd love to be relaxing or sewing or anything, and instead I have a room with no work space, and lots of time to stare at it.
I own so many things and so few of them are important at all... but I still can't let go. I feel incredibly isolated and despondent in my own house, and I just don't know what to do anymore.

comments

setra

Contemplation

Cosplay Flailing