Sans Voice

Jan. 25th, 2015 06:10 pm
setra: (Default)
So two Thursdays ago my roommate Mik and I took a long crazy drive to Nebraska to pick up super cheap clearance fabric at a Jo-Ann store that is closing. We had fun and even went to see the national monument nearby which I'd never visited despite being in town a lot to help the store out.
On the way home though, I could feel my lymph nodes swelling, this usually happens when I'm sick, but feeling the problem develop over three hours in the car was scary.
I spent the next two days at work, medicating myself hardcore for what I thought was a cold, and getting very little relief from my usual over-the-counter cocktail. By the end of sunday (my day off) I had no voice, and attempting to talk, as well as eating or swallowing anything, even liquids, was excruciating.
Monday I went to the doctor, and learned that I had strep throat so bad that it has opened small sores in my throat.
I didn't go to work that day, and only managed an hour of silent office work on Tuesday. Wednesday I pulled off six hours, but still spent most of it not speaking at all. I could not get over a whisper even if I needed to, and the effort of even that whisper for more than a sentence or so was crippling throat pain.

All this meant that I spent a fair portion of that week and of my PAX being silent. Not speaking and not really wanting too. Especially working this was was very challenging and... interesting? I don't know. It makes me desperately want to know sign language at the very least. It also meant that traveling with just me and Cal, I felt bad not being able to respond to things. She fills silences by default, but being able only to smile or shake my head or gesture made me appreciate that I'm rather more talkative than I give myself credit for.
setra: (Default)
Because I know I will re-read this blog someday, and other things I've written here have made me feel better in bad times, so here's another one.

You.
You there.
Have you been to the gym lately?
Have you gone out dancing?
Did you go yesterday?
Have you gone yet today?
GO. Now.
Seriously, half an hour of cardio and a few minutes of weights will make you feel sooo much better. Also, you can shower after and it feels amazing.
Just do it.
Stop your bitching. Take some podfic and go.
You /will/ feel better.
You'll feel like a grown up.
would want you to.
Have a good night.
setra: (Default)
Ok, so I just perused my 'Real Life' tag, and I feel like I need to make a post.
A being home post.
An 'I wasn't crazy' post.

I was in a lot of pain in Washington. I was suffering from low self-esteem, I was exhausted, I was depressed, I was alone in a home where I should have felt loved.
I was not crazy. It was not just me.
My store there /was/ poorly managed.
I /do/ know how to do my job. Pretty damn well actually.
I cannot do it alone.

This isn't some major high point in my attitude that I'm documenting. This is pretty average.

I go to work and I get things done. I coach and I learn, and I mess up, and I do things right, and it all happens without the panic and desperation that colored every day in Arlington.

I come home and I sew, I watch my shows or my mom's shows, I cuddle the cat. I sometimes call friends, more often they call me, and we hang out. If I need to get away from my stuff, I can go somewhere and be with other people who actually want to spend time with me. I can talk to these people about my interests.

If I want to be alone, or go out, or cook, or eat out... I can do those things. I can play Infamous for an hour and then marathon Leverage while I work on costumes and not feel guilty.

There is basically no one here that I wouldn't squeal 'I ship it!' at when something I ship was mentioned. Also, occasionally I can talk to Kay about dirty dirty porn.

I made the right choice to move back. I have support here, I have people to talk to. Family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers.

It isn't easy all the time. I still make mistakes. I'm still perpetually late. I still procrastinate. There is still friend drama all over the place.

But this was the right choice, I haven't doubted it for a moment since I came back and I hope that stays true for a long time to come.

FML

Jun. 27th, 2012 11:45 pm
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So. Today. For the record.
Don't have any idea how I will continue going to this job as it is literally and figuratively driving me to insanity.
Also deeper depression.
And anger.
And rage.
And misery.

I have no idea how I would survive without the job because enormous pile of debt and no savings. Right. So.

Oh yeah, also, they wrote me up for stupid shit today, so I cannot transfer for THREE MONTHS. Anywhere. Even home. Even to a tiny store somewhere else.

I can not unthink that these things may be related.

In short. The internet is the only thing keeping me from weeping right now. Also, my eyes hurt and I want to sleep for about a year.

Yeah, a year would be good.
setra: (Default)
A week or so ago, I managed to clear the ottoman (it's about 3'x4' and tends to get used as a table and worse). This means that it can be turned up on it's side pretty easily and leaves space to use the WiiFit. It also acts as a great balancing surface while stretching and doing wiifit things.

I am from this point on to remember that music and exersize work miracles on my attitude and I should use them as often as possible in place of other self-medicating options.

Astoundingly, between my efforts and J's and some help from K, we now have a mostly-clear living room AND a table which can seat three people. The fourth side still needs some work. STILL. This is incredible progress.

I am working hard to not be bitter that tonight I:
-forced J to do unpacking work instead of playing games (this is her third day off in a row)
-made dinner
-washed the dishes already in the sink
-put away the clean dishes on the rack
-washed the dinner dishes
-packed up the dinner left-overs in tupperware

Yeah. The fact that I cook or eat and leave 0-1 items of dirty dish in the sink, then return the next time I cook or eat to find 4-5 items of dished and silverware in the sink, on the stove, etc.... it is starting to get to me.
setra: (Default)
So... started out the day pretty positive and played some RockBand. We were getting no reply from K about watching RvB tonight. No reply at all. So we decided to go check and make sure she got home from the airport/was all right/whatever... got there and realized that 1) she was fine but had not heard her phone and 2) was expecting to watch RvB at her place rather than ours. We still needed to leave to get food because we missed the turn on the way.
Also, I was planning to cook dinner at our place. I had mentioned this last night. When I mentioned to J that I'd been planning to do stuff at our place tonight, she said 'but K doesn't like coming to our place'. Which of course left me thinking about our situation. Again.

To me our living room isn't that bad. Especially right now, most of the mess is just blankets (which I fold up and then get draped over every available surface within a week) and remotes/controlers. My sewing table is in the living area, but I try to contain the mess from it. Not well but. Yeah. There are a lot of boxes still. Some because we don't have enough shelving. And some because my bedroom is tiny and already literally full of other boxes that I'm not allowed to keep in storage anymore.

So here I am, feeling worthless and judged and unhappy after having an otherwise great day. I hate that I can't tell how much of it is legitimate emotion and how much is the overall swing of a depression cycle. Or is the overall swing of depression still legitimate emotion? Beh. I hate that the only path I can see out of this is to get rid of a lot of my stuff. I have tried. I got rid of a ton of fabric, I've taken boxes of stuff to the thrift store. I've sold almost all my books and a lot of my cds.

ETA: Jess did end up unpacking a bunch of books that have been in her room since we moved. So It should be easier to sort through the manga now. Of course, she did this in a kind of cranky "I don't want to be doing work" way, but it did happen. And I emptied about three boxes of random crap. Still working on a couple more, those boxes are the worst, but easiest to get rid of stuff when I'm in the right mood.

Kat did come over and we watched the RvB S10 premiere and started S9. Which is pretty epic, I won't lie.
setra: (Default)
So. Fuck. It's 4 AM and since I'm clearly not sleeping, here's where the ranting about why I'm not sleeping goes.
1) Dishes. I am hungry. But when I cook, I wash my dishes immediately. this is currently not possible because the sink is full of the dishes and J and R used to eat the last batch of food I cooked. I only got one serving, and then when I went to take leftovers to work, all the rice had been eaten. Then after today when I would have made more rice, the rest of the hayashi was gone too. Which is fine, I guess, except that I'm the one who dropped $100 the last time we went shopping, and $25 the time before that, and $80 last month, but I digress. The hunger is not really why I'm not sleeping, that's just the excuse.
The real reason is:
2) World Cosplay Summit qualifying rounds for 2013 are being announced... and NDK2012 is hosting one of them. Babbling and Depression Ensues )

This is all coming out because I had to spend all my money on car insurance this morning and so can't actually go to SakuraCon even though I requested the weekend off. So now I have four days when I'd love to be relaxing or sewing or anything, and instead I have a room with no work space, and lots of time to stare at it.
I own so many things and so few of them are important at all... but I still can't let go. I feel incredibly isolated and despondent in my own house, and I just don't know what to do anymore.
setra: (Default)
I watched "A Scandal in Belgravia" again last night.
1) I had forgotten what a profoundly wonderful episode it is, and what it feels like when an episode is so very very Sherlock-centric. Even Reichenbach had very strong John Watson point-of-view. Belgravia is really all Sherlock all the time... with John reacting rather than acting.
2) I now want slightly bondagey Irene/Sherlock after /he/ is "dead" too... hiding in Europe from the remainder of Moriarty's gang. He's seen that John and the others are safe and he's left London (as canon Holmes did) to protect them all. And he's wandering Europe, doing what he can to scrape by. She has already had many more months to settle into a life of sorts, and the power imbalance of her being settled and probably still wealthy while he is now little better than a vagrant (albeit one with the mind of a god).
[ETA - I did find this one. Which is set right at the end of Belgravia, and is pretty good. It gets a tone and an image across that I like, though I now have a powerful desire to remix is a bit. >.>]

Anyway. What a productive weekend I'm having. Not. We did move all the major bits of our lives on friday, and had a great night at Karaoke last night for Neko's birthday, but unpacking and whittling down the fabric collection are both going very slowly.
setra: Flame-like words encircle an eye on a black background. (one ring)
What do you do when someone you love doesn't love doing the things you do?

Specifically, my girlfriend has never liked fanfiction of any kind, particularly slash. She moved away from anime and manga years ago and mostly over to playing video games. She never liked being on stage, and now says she doesn't want to cosplay any more at all. There are some American shows we still have in common, but that's not the same as the kind of fangirling that we used to share.

I don't know how to live my life without these things, but I don't know how to live my life without her either.

Addiction

Jan. 20th, 2012 12:33 am
setra: (Default)
I am a fandom addict. Bit long, bit dark, possibly bit not good.
Read more... )

For years, fanfiction and slash has been my "anti-drug"... Here's hoping this insane country isn't about to take away the internet as we know it, because without transformative works like fanfiction and AMVs and character-based role playing, I genuinely have no idea who I would be. Certainly not the person I am, that's for sure.
setra: (Default)
Dear Community Transit Driver on route 202 south, which reached the Mariner Park & Ride around 6:07 pm on October 7th.
Read more... )

New Home~

Aug. 9th, 2010 04:37 pm
setra: (Default)
Got:
-to Seattle all safe and sound, with no car explosions
-All stuff moved into apartment and out of storage locker
-sexy couch with massive ottoman (like Niou's, for anyone that cares)
-two dressers so that Maya can keep her clothes somewhere not on the floor
-internet installation set up for wednesday

Need:
-shelves for DVDs, books, games, manga, and Maya's fabric
-stable craft table for Yudu (or else use my sewing table)
-storage/drawer and things for other craft supplies
-to call the DTL and arrange for my first day of work, etc.
-to finish my quilts and start on Tamir and Clow. XD

Also, I love Rock pizza and Fajita Pitas. Done.

Hey cool

Jan. 17th, 2009 06:00 pm
setra: (Default)
Our apartment didn't burn down!

[Edit: Ok, ok. Didn't mean to freak people out. There was a fire alarm and evacuation of our building, which involved actual smoke in the hallway and real fire trucks arriving. But it only lasted about 20 minutes. We're fine, our building is fine.]
setra: (Default)
In echo of the posts from the MN crew yesterday, I thought people should know that my households are all fine. There were flash flood warnings in south Fort Collins last night, but luckily we're north of the area that was worst effected. (and on high ground compared to the surrounding area). The storm did pass right over the store, rattling windows and all that jazz. It took Andrea an extra half hour to get to work and I closed the store somewhat early.

Anyway. I'm glad to hear that all my acquaintances in the Twin Cities seem to have come through the bridge catastrophe all right.

Hang in there everyone.

[ETA-Unrelated- This had to happen on my day off. Strikethrough has hit fandom again. I know I'm the only one in my immediate (read: RL) friends circle who is actually into "fandom" in the way I am, but this has an effect on us all in the end. My fandom circles are exploding over [profile] ponderosa121 getting banned. (Y'all DON'T want to see the pic she got banned for, it's HP and that's all I'm saying. DON'T read all the comments either, as it crops up there too). But this scared me enough that I made a GreatestJournal (it's also setra), and I'm looking into backing up my journal.
They aren't just banning one journal here. They're eliminating ENTIRE users. All journals and all possible new ones. Forever. And there isn't an appeal system in place that I've yet heard anything about.
further ranting and links )

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