FML

Jun. 27th, 2012 11:45 pm
setra: (Default)
So. Today. For the record.
Don't have any idea how I will continue going to this job as it is literally and figuratively driving me to insanity.
Also deeper depression.
And anger.
And rage.
And misery.

I have no idea how I would survive without the job because enormous pile of debt and no savings. Right. So.

Oh yeah, also, they wrote me up for stupid shit today, so I cannot transfer for THREE MONTHS. Anywhere. Even home. Even to a tiny store somewhere else.

I can not unthink that these things may be related.

In short. The internet is the only thing keeping me from weeping right now. Also, my eyes hurt and I want to sleep for about a year.

Yeah, a year would be good.
setra: (Default)
So... started out the day pretty positive and played some RockBand. We were getting no reply from K about watching RvB tonight. No reply at all. So we decided to go check and make sure she got home from the airport/was all right/whatever... got there and realized that 1) she was fine but had not heard her phone and 2) was expecting to watch RvB at her place rather than ours. We still needed to leave to get food because we missed the turn on the way.
Also, I was planning to cook dinner at our place. I had mentioned this last night. When I mentioned to J that I'd been planning to do stuff at our place tonight, she said 'but K doesn't like coming to our place'. Which of course left me thinking about our situation. Again.

To me our living room isn't that bad. Especially right now, most of the mess is just blankets (which I fold up and then get draped over every available surface within a week) and remotes/controlers. My sewing table is in the living area, but I try to contain the mess from it. Not well but. Yeah. There are a lot of boxes still. Some because we don't have enough shelving. And some because my bedroom is tiny and already literally full of other boxes that I'm not allowed to keep in storage anymore.

So here I am, feeling worthless and judged and unhappy after having an otherwise great day. I hate that I can't tell how much of it is legitimate emotion and how much is the overall swing of a depression cycle. Or is the overall swing of depression still legitimate emotion? Beh. I hate that the only path I can see out of this is to get rid of a lot of my stuff. I have tried. I got rid of a ton of fabric, I've taken boxes of stuff to the thrift store. I've sold almost all my books and a lot of my cds.

ETA: Jess did end up unpacking a bunch of books that have been in her room since we moved. So It should be easier to sort through the manga now. Of course, she did this in a kind of cranky "I don't want to be doing work" way, but it did happen. And I emptied about three boxes of random crap. Still working on a couple more, those boxes are the worst, but easiest to get rid of stuff when I'm in the right mood.

Kat did come over and we watched the RvB S10 premiere and started S9. Which is pretty epic, I won't lie.
setra: Flame-like words encircle an eye on a black background. (one ring)
What do you do when someone you love doesn't love doing the things you do?

Specifically, my girlfriend has never liked fanfiction of any kind, particularly slash. She moved away from anime and manga years ago and mostly over to playing video games. She never liked being on stage, and now says she doesn't want to cosplay any more at all. There are some American shows we still have in common, but that's not the same as the kind of fangirling that we used to share.

I don't know how to live my life without these things, but I don't know how to live my life without her either.
setra: (rain/ayato - know myself)
I don't think today was that bad, objectively speaking. A lot of fabric got done, not by me, but if Gene can work fabric and he doesn't feel bad ignoring guests since he's already kindof a dick, then all the better.
I spent most of the day at the register. Of course... then there were the recurring technical issues. And let me tell you, I am getting pretty damn tired of being the only one on the managment team that has any idea of what the various computers do, how they work, or how to fix them. Or indeed, what numbers to call or websites to post our issues to. THIS IS EVERYONES JOB. I am not getting paid more to be the damn tech-support guru.

Anyway, I did the bus commute today, and in addition to being frigid cold , it turns out that I took Jess's shoes this morning, so my mid day, my feet hurt rather a lot more than they did on the first few days with my new shoes. By the end of the day I had massive blisters on my pinky toes and could barely walk. Of course I had to walk... to the bus, and then home. So I pierced the blisters like a big girl and got some little blister-cover bandaid things from Safeway and headed out.

It was well below freezing by this point of course, and in my dithering around and hoping in vain that someone with a more functional car that me would be around to possibly be bribed into driving me home I has missed a bus, which meant a 40-minute wait for the next one. In the freezing cold. And like an idiot, I somehow managed to sleep straight through Everett station and not wake up until the Mariner P&R, which meant walking 14 blocks. In still-below-freezing, and in the shoes that still hurt like a bitch to move it, even if it was no longer excruciating.

Anyway, so. Not a good day. And I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm pretty badly OCD about some things. Like dishes. And stoves and counters being clean. And living in my present arrangement is making me totally crazy.

Anyway, downswing. One of those 'gee living with my mom would be heaven' days. They're not all that common. Except when they are.

Mmmkay.

Sep. 10th, 2009 02:13 am
setra: (Default)
Productive day was productive. (Wednesday) I could maybe be done now if monday and tuesday hadn't been what they were. Oh how I wish.

Progress today:
-white layer fully aseembled (including collar cover)
-purple layer body and neck band assembled - sleeves need lining or binding and then to be attached.
-fastener attached to yellow layer
(Damn, that looks a lot less impressive on paper - it means 3 out of 5 major Kiyomori pieces are done!)

Left for tomorrow (later today):
-Kiyomori obi
-wire channels sewn into yellow robe.
-attach snaps for wings to yellow robe (<-- do this before wires?)
-attach snaps for shoulders to Masaomi.
-boot covers/shoes for kiyomori
-Style Kiyomori wig, pack Tomomori wig
-ribbon ties onto Kiyomori's crown
-TIES FOR ALL
-return unused supplies.
-assemble emergency repair kit, extra fabrics, etc. Pack.
*Test fit all, discuss choreography, plan makeup, take a few photos?

........ organize and print progress materials... halfass scrapbook. FAST.


I'm starting to have this feeling... like... how much extra money would I have if I didn't sink all my money into this hobby? Really, is it even worth it? Is anyone besides me getting any enjoyment out of it at all? Would I really miss it if I went back to making one costume every year or two just for myself?
setra: (Default)
I'm... tense.
I think that's the right word. I feel like I can't stop thinking, even though I'm exhausted and don't want to think about things at all.

I need to stop looking at stuff about tours/concerts/appearances/performances by my idols. It makes me feel... lonely. Small. Needy. Like... what am I doing wrong in my life that I can't plan like these other people can and get out there to see things. I just... it's been so long since I've been in Japan. And it's hard sometimes. Knowing that if I was braver or a stronger person, with more self-control, I could be there doing these things. I could be seeing these things live, really, and not just sitting here trying to live vicariously.

At the same time, I know I should be incredibly grateful for what I have, which is so much more freedom and shininess than a lot of people get. I AM greatful. I know that I'm lucky. I'm just... having one of those days.

And I have to go to the doctor tomorrow for the first time in like... two years. Starting with blood work. I still hate needles, and I'm not all that fond of doctors and I really really don't want to be told all the things that I already know are wrong with my body and lifestyle.

[Edit: "Beautiful Days" is making me cry. Damn hormones and lack of sleep.]
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My mood took an abrupt turn for the worse this evening. I'm sure my body is trying to tell me something about sickness and sleep and skipping breaks, but I'm going to go ahead and blame it on rayon thread.
This is not the costume rant you are looking for )
Jess has been doing a masterful job of putting up with my bullshit about this thread and this costume, which I appreciate a lot. I know I'm a pain to deal with when I freak out about this stuff.
Other Stuff )
I had a bunch of other stuff to whine and babble about, but now I'm actually tired enough to sleep... so maybe I'll do that.
setra: (Default)
I've been dreading it since the first time that I was in Patholgy past 6 pm. But this time it was true. Missing the three rooms this past monday was the last straw.
I just got done meeting with Jeanette. I turned in my keys. Yet again, I technically resign rather than being fired (ok, so last time something like that happened it was Japan - the first few months of the new year just good for me I guess). I'm not suprised. But I still feel bad. I've felt bad ever since I realized that I'd missed rooms (about 24 hours after I could have done anything about it). I'm just glad they are all still doing ok. It was 19+15 that I missed, and those guys are just not built to go days without fresh food and litter. I'm glad the last rooms that I cleaned included 15. I'm glad that I did a good job my last two days. That's all I could have done. Jeanette tried to sound like she felt bad about it, and she probably did, but I know I've been trouble for them and they'll do better. This does mean that I can't help Courtney out next weekend now as I had promised... hopefully she'll be ok though.

Anyway, that leaves me with one job. Which means simply that I had better get my butt on top of commissions and translating jobs. And maybe, just maybe put in an application for Softlines manager at work. I heard them on Wednesday talking about promoting internally and putting up signs for the job. So now to see what it takes.
Literally while I was talking to Jeanette, I missed a call. It was Dianna at JoAnn, and I've got an extra several hours next week. I can do this. Somehow. It just means less frivolous spending, more cooking, more focus on the enssentials.

Tonight Natascha and Nikki are coming over, assuming that I hear back from them... I missed two calls from them while meeting with Jeanette too.


「とても とても 苦しくても 
 消して 消して 弱音は見せない
 こんな事は何でもないだと落ち着いていこう」
~手塚国光・越前リョーマ 「ヒカリノサキ」~
setra: (Default)
So last night about 2 AM I rebooted my laptop. And he won't come back. Apparently the virus I've been fighting to delete for three weeks finally got to the system in a bad way. Right now I'm attempting to reformat, but that's not working either. So... if you need to get ahold of me, or were expecting responses from me via email, I will be generally off-line until further notice.

My cell still works fine of course, and I'll try to get to email and LJ (as I am now, at Alley Cat)... but I won't make any promises.

After things are back to normal, I'll doubtless be begging people to replenish my supply of videos, myus and music... but all that assumes that the format actually takes.

I still have three papers a major project to do in the next three days. Crap.
setra: (Default)
As I was the only one privy to my private entry last night, I don't expect this to matter to much of anyone. Suffice it to say that I was in a very bad place a few hours ago, and since that led to insomnia, I'm not in an entirely better place now. For the first time in my life this morning I felt terribly, terribly old. And without the benefits of sleep, my attitude has not improved as much as I would like.

But, as it stands, it is thanksgiving morning and that deserves a positive outlook.

This year, this week, this day, this moment, I am thankful...
...that I have friends with whom to share both troubles and joys.
...that I will see some part of my family today.

...that I am blessed with the strength to keep trying and that I have been surrounded with support no matter how often I fail.

...that the sun will always rise on another day, another blue sky, and a chance to make things right.

...for Japanese Dramas and thier constant message to never give up (Waterboys).
...for Shirota Yuu, Kimeru, Sakamoto Maaya, Do As Infinity and Takahashi Naozumi, whose voices give me solace and joy.

A Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends. May your day be filled with warmth and friendship.
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I won't add to the angst today, because plenty of people have it worse and it's just bitching from me.
I'm tired. Today at work was hard for reasons I can't exactly place. I've been working with Sara a lot lately, and between her hand being injured and her generally not being as friendly and positive as some of the others... I've been lower than usual. Of course, being on the outside of her and Michelle's friendship dynamic is hard too. And I was out of it today, while Rhonda was just /on/... and she rubbed it in, and I felt awful.
My mom dropped off a bike pump for me today... of course, I forgot it. But I finally got my keys back, so that was good.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Craig for giving me a ride home. Sorry I wasn't much fun. Feel better.

I'd really really /really/ like to get tuition sorted out soon, and I know that asking my mother for more money is not a highly likely option.
Found her tax info today though, so there is deffinite FAFSA in my future.

I'm feeling really... blank. I should be determined, or panicked or worried... but I just don't have the energy. Plus I just feel sad and kindof useless... at work and at home. Stupid downswing. I'd really like it to be over soon. I'd also like to know why sensei is sending me stuff about welcome events... does she want to say something? Was she just forwarding it randomly? I have no idea. I know that I don't have time to work two jobs, take three classes, and run any sort of club, so she's out of luck if that's what she wants.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna sleep now. It's only 10, but I'm knackered. Plus I have Colony and Maternity before work tomorrow... and I never cleaned 1,2,3 and 10... damn. Well, tomorrow... before 2:30. Better get there at 8 instead of 9. ~_~ Oyasumi.

Current Bishounen: Kimeru and Nao-kun
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Ok, quick update before I have to get ready and take the bus to work.
Yesterday I had an eye appointment at 10:30. I found out that my perscription hasn't changed in a year and a half (though I think that has a lot to do with not wearing my glasses for the past month). I also finally learned to wear contacts and in a week or so, if I practice with them, I can get my perscription. After a bunch of stuff and things and having to make Jessica bring my purse over because I'd forgotten it. I finally got out of there with glasses paid for at about 1:30 or 2.
I drove, feeling ill and aimless. Not quite ready for work, not really wanting food but starving... so I went to Good Times. They did not, however give me fried when I ordered a combo, and made me pay for my honey mustard sauce.
I realized this as I was driving away, but was planning to just go into Path and clean my rooms after a brief lunch. Then as I was changing lanes just after the college and laurel intersection, I hit someone. Yep, there it was, my first ever car accident. I merged and they were in my blindspot. One which I thought I had checked, but because of the new contacts or whatever else, there it was. I panicked, we exchanged insurance info and stuff, they were a bit shifty and took off. I tried to start Hokuto... and couldn't. And couldn't, and couldn't. And then the police (who I guess the lady in the passenger seat had called) showed up. I had shoved Hokuto off to a side road and he helped me push her farther. I called Arella to ask for a ride and he started taking information. I had to call the insurance company to tell the policeman that yes, the car is insured, just like that very expired card says it is.
Also remembered that I need to re-register my car. ALl in all it took well over an hour, I think, maybe closer to two. I appologize to everyone I called or talked to, I was emotionally overwraught. I don't remember anything that I wrote on my statement... but I know that becasue the other car had left (and only came back after he called them), I didn't get a ticket.
In the end, I went to Green Hall to tell them not to destroy my car (it's in 30-minute parking... not the nice z-parking on the other side of the road >_<). Then had Arella drop me at Path. Called Jamie again, did a pretty minimal job on my rooms (18, 11, 8, 13) - 11 now has just two cats in A-a and that's all... so it wasn't bad at all. I hate 13. The calm of cleaning helped a little.
I walked to Corina and Thorin's when I was done. I had an overwheming urge to get ahold of Tim and just yell "In the FACE!"... because he would have asked, and I would have explained, and it would have been good. Anyway, Thorin was a darling and drove me to pick up my shiny new glasses, and then home. We stopped at King Soopers to get food first, but that was mostly unremarkable.
At home, I remembered the toilet, so stole the common house plunger to fix it. Loaded the dishwasher and ran it, in an attempt to lessen the kitchen mess (didn't work).
We played Settlers, and I'm sorry that was so bitter. I lost pathetically just because I did. The games were fun. And watching the entire table team up to see if we could collectively help Craig beat Corina before her next turn was neat. But really, I shouldn't have been interacting with people, I was too out of it and overwhelmed and I'm sorry you all had to deal with that.

I went upstairs with Corina around 1 to watch BukiMyu, but I think I fell asleep before the end, because I don't remember the ichinen in aprons.
Waking up today has been hard and slow, and thank heaven I gave away all my rooms today, because I think getting something done about Hokuto and getting to work will be about all I can do.

I work 2:30 to 10 tonight, anyone want to volunteer to give me a ride home? I don't think anyone else lives north. ~_~
setra: (Default)
Profanity and self-pity rant to follow.
Fuck. I'm just so tired. So tired of everything. Hokuto won't go anymore... battery dead and the rest pretending not to work. I was so happy, because Arella liked the movie... and Hokuto was better, but she's not.. and I have so much to do and I just so tired. I've more or less lost my voice and I can't stop crying. And I'm ready for this all to be over now. I want to go home and go to bed. No more dorms, no more college, no more homework and tests and classes and failing. No more expectations or responsibilities to anyone. I just want to go to sleep. I need to clean up the house... mom asked me to... and I'm hungry... so hungry and I took dad's car and I hate it. It's too big and too bulky and automatic... and it's too low and too tall and It's nasty.
Shit. I can't do this. I'm going to bed. I'm going to fail 166... I know it... in that dreading way. It doesn't even matter anymore, because I can't do well enough to get an A either way. And I probably can't in Japanese either... bcause everything dissapeared... it'd be ok if I'd lost it really, but I didn't. It just all went away and is gone. And I can't think without everything hurting and I need to do things... I do. I just wish I could talk, and brethe and stop crying... damnit.
Whatever, I think I'm just going to give up, I couldn't think in Java anyway right now. Night.
-Maya
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BAD combination. And I'm not even really manic depressive... I just have normal (or I assume so) issues wuth winter and sleep deprivation. Or too much sleep. Whatever. I was going to post a really insane whiny rant earlier tonight (yesterday evening) but I didn't. For several reasons.
Looking forward to seeing people on friday.
I might swing by poudre tommorow.
OH! I remember what made me happy!
If you have a gaurdians likeing you number over 180 in Angelique... there's a voice clip when you go visit them! Wai! I have Lumiale, Olivie and Julious there right now! Julious is SO Hayami Sho. I mearly died. Muraki's voice and Julious... *shiver* And Koyasu Takehito is funny as Olivie... not quite as genki as I'd hoped but still much coolness. It seems that I'll never get to hear Seki Toshihiko as Luva because Rosalia has more or less claimed him. :(
On another Angelique note... the quiz in Fushigi no Kuni no Angelique is DEATH. You need 8 out of 10 questions right. There are three answers to each question. The topics include such things as guardian birthdays, voice actors, other shows starring said voice actors, events, other angelique games, correct romanization of guardian names (this is easy), correct katakana for names, and more. In Japanese. And you have 10 seconds to answer each question. Once, I got 7/10... I was so upset... especially since the one I missed in the begining was because I took to long to push the button on Olivie's Birthday... (which I know!!).
The upside of Fushigi no Kuni? If you win, you get to go to a tea party with the gaurdians! (X people... you know why I'm amused... ^_^) and sometimes a date after that...
So new topic... wait, bishonen was sorta the topic already.
Music: "Hemisphere ~ Without Maaya ~" (ironic title?)
and "Generations" (Children of Eden)
"23 Toki no Ongaku" is a really spiffy album, fun Yoko Kanno stuff.
I got a new PDA (for my mom)... then pulled mine out to check that it had the same cradle port... found out that my PDA's screen was cracked and no longer worked. Muttered profanities for a very long time... (still going more than 24 hours later)... then fought with electronics (the comp, my pda, the new pda, the net, etc.) Found out that a new screen was both $99 plus shipping and was NOT covered in the (worthless) plan that I bought from Office Max. I whined alot. I don't really have the money to buy a new pda, but the $50 I spent is a lot cheaper than a new screen... *twitch* So mom still has no PDA, I have a dead one and a working one that is slightly older. And I'm a lot of needing that chack from the bank in CA...
Sigh. Ok, no more "pity me please" ranting...
You know... I think winamp is sentient...
Playing "Tommorow" and "Hemisphere" is cheating to make me happy...
Plus it has an uncanny character to skin pairing ability...
For example:
Juri - "Both Hands" (Ani DeFranco) - Juri/Shiori (good AMV idea...)
Nataku - "Only Happy When it Rains" (Garbage) -

Right after this Short rant on a quiz that I took...
The X Pairing Quiz
My results:
1- Fuuma/Subaru
o_O !? Um... maybe in your head... or that odd exchange in volume 17... but that had something to do with Seishirou's eye...
2-



Which X Pairing Are You?
Subaru/Seishirou -- you're a firm believer in destined, yet twisted, love. You like the tragic romance that marks their relationship and the lack of true closure that comes with it. Both Subaru's innocence and Seishirou's lack of it intrigues you.
We're /all/ suprised by this one... ^_^
3- Kamui/Fumma
*blink* Am I THAT messed up?
4- Seishirou/Fuuma
???? Can I not think about that?
5- Subaru/Kamui
We all know what I think of that.
6-9
Various pairings involving Kakyou, Saiki and the above... I tried not to think
10-12
(in no particular order) Kusanagi/Yuzuriha, Arashi/Sorata, and Kotori/Kamui
And I /tried/ to be honest! *shiver* Scared now. Goodnight.

Bishonen: Muraki (YnM) and Julious (Angelique) (Hayami Sho)
Bishojo: Hokuto (TB) and Juno Wintersmith (EsE)

Right...

Dec. 31st, 2002 08:21 pm
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So first Carol called, just to confirm that she'd be looking into tickets, because I always have second thoughts about trips. I said, "No, I'm good to go."
Then my brain went "You DO always have second thoughts about trips and you haven't even had first thoughts about this one. Mweheheh."
So I start pondering, and getting more and more depressed. This is why I hate Winter. Anyway, then Carol calls back. $179 for one-way to CA. Which isn't bad I guess... but... so I said I'd just not go. So unless I call back with a decision that I really do want to go, then I'm here for the duration. And I feel sick and tired and uterly apathetic. It's cold, and dark.
And I haven't heard from Austin. I hope he's ok... he looked really bad last time I saw him.
I think I'm going to go DO something. Probably beadwork. I'm not sure. I need to pull myself out of this slump soon.
I wish... I don't know. Sorry for the whining.
Bishonen: Julious (hoping)
Bishojo: Kotori (dreaming)
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Ok... so that was pretty bad and not all finished when the computer decided to try exploding.
So, if you really feel the need here's the remainder of my Depressed Rant )

Ok... As one might not be suprised to know... apparently "Dreddo 39" was a song capable of making my life a little better.

So.. yeah, I'm going to go to sleep. Or maybe shower (second time tonight) to get the smoke off...

Bishonen: Ranmaru... because he has just that edge of depression and is on my winamp skin.
Bishojo: Shiori and Saihi (for differnt reasons, but the same. girls are bitter and cruel and too easily lost in dark seas of unfathomable emotion (myself no exception))
setra: (Default)
I hate this. I really f-ing hate this. Two days ago my mother says "I'm going out of town wednesday night, so stay home and be sisterly to Arella because she's promised not to have people over or go out or anything. So I say, "Okay, sure." Typical me, just wants to make mom happy, and help Arella be OK.
So then at dinner tonight, Arella goes, "I'm going to have some people over tonight."
"Okay... was this in your agreement with mom?"
"No. I'm, ah... breakin' the law. But since I'm going to do it anyway, I just wanted to let you know and see if you wanted to set some ground rules."
So I say two things. No illegal activities and everyone gone/Arella at home by midnight.
So she says, "Ok."

Then I go out to study with Salem and Trevor. Only this is Trevor... so we end up at his friends house where everyone is smoking and drinking. I basically read him the answers for the homework. I did get some work done on matricies, which was good, but I didn't get home untill 1:45.

Arella and all 8-10 of her "people" were still here. The front door was inexplicably locked.

And I say "Arella, does midnight mean anything to you?"
"I... um, told you when you made them that I wouldn't be following them." says she.
So here I am... smelling of smoke, having gotten no work done yet again, feeling used like my mother must constantly feel. With the smell of smoke coming from Arella's room (which is right next to mine)...
And I hate this. I hate this powerlessness. I'm not her mother, I don't really have the power to control her or force her to do anything. And Mom won't even when she gets back.
I just can't do this anymore. But at the same time, I can't leave her here because god knows what would happen. I don't know...
I had a post earlier today while the servers were down... I'll post it tomorrow... I forgot to email it to myself.

Plus, I used a different shampoo tonight... and it must be the same stuff that Austin uses because I was wearing my hair down and I kept thinking that I smelled his hair... anyway... that's what happened until the cigarette smoke permeated everything... now I can't smell anything.

And I'm not even going to start my dorm rant. I will be in Salem's hall, with a friend of hers named Maggie. Who seems nice. Hates cats though... that's all I know... Either way... I won't be in Ellis. Making it rather difficult to share and PS2 and Tenkuu no Requiem with Kat-senpai. But I might still try, I don't know. I just keep hearing these conversations in my head...
"So what kind of music do you listen to?"
"Um... japanese stuff mostly."
"Oh... uh... anything american?"
"Hm... Alanis Morisette, Sarah McLaughlin... no one else really famous... Ani Defranco occationally..."
"Ok... so what tv shows do you watch."
"I haven't had tv for a couple of years... I used to watch Babylon 5... Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing..."

I just... why am I doing this? Why am I going to be putting myself into a situation like this with someone I don't know... there was meant to be a plan to this... at least in MY head there was...
Why shouldn't I just stay at home where it's cheaper and I have a mother, and food, and...
damn.
I must be tired... I'm crying now... and I have class in 6 and a half hours... and damnit. I can't sleep like this, everything smells like smoke... and it makes me hate myself... even though I didn't do any of it, I was there and I reek of it...
Why can't I just be done? Why don't they just hand me a report card and say 'Here. It's over. You're screwed, get over it.'
setra: (Default)
I'm slowly realizing just how dramatic mood fluctuations can be. I have no idea what's causing it, but if you've been reading my entries lately you'll realize that they cycle from happy to depressed almost daily... which sucks if you're living inside my head.
Over the past few months (and especially this week) I've been given the opportunity to prove myself to friends, family and teachers. I've had dozens of chances to show responsibility. ...and I've botched all of them, whether through feats of stupidity or forgetfullness or indecision, I've failed to be responsible in literally every situation where it's been required of me for the past month.
Add to that the fact that the semester is ending and I'm behind in all my classes and that winter is begining and you begin to understand the root of my depression. Winter, while it was my favorite season in California because of the rain and fog really sucks in Colorado because of the snow.
The manic phases come from my auto-escapism. I either act like I'm 10 or watch a bunch of anime... both of which I've been doing lately.
Anyway... that's my analysis for the moment. Since I'm probably going to be dying in the near future entries may be scarce from now untill after finals week.
Bishonen: Muraki (Yami no Matsuei) and Illpalazo (Excel Saga)
Bishojo: Juri (and other Mistuishi Kotono Characters)
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I learned a valluable lesson tonight... one which I've learned many times before. Don't think.
Everything in life is ok if you don't think. Stay in the moment, don't let your mind get bogged down in the future or the past.
My life was greatly improved by going out to dinner tonight and dressing up to go out to dinner. I also went by Linda's club for the first time... it was cute, and rather punk. But whatever.
I'd like to really appologize to Nick and Criag who both really wanted to go to tornadoes (both last night and tonight) I have no excuses other than that I was pretending to try to be responsible. Not that it worked.
On a totally different note, I can't find my angelique notes... and that's bad. They contain about 15 handwritten pages of notes, translations, and various other things... and I'll be really distraught if they got thrown out or something.
I'm not going to mention school and how doomed I am because then I'll start worrying about it again and the headache will come back.
Late happy birthday to Corina-senpai! Tanjoubi o omedetou gozaimasu! (excuse my horrid japanese... *hides*)

5 things that would make me very happy right now: not to be tired, someone to cuddle, more time, a fellow fangirl to obsess with, a club that plays japanese music

5 reasons I am happy right now: new shirts that mom gave me, mom's garnet necklace, Kat's latest journal entry [it's really happy and cute and things] (see friends), music, the rainbows around my computer

Bishonen of the moment: Ranmaru, Treize (and all Okiayu Ryotarou characters)

Bishojo of the Moment: Hokuto

add Muraki-sensei to the Bishonen list... one of his winamp skins just came up. ^_^
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I would like - before I duck off to bed - to appologize to everyone who needs it. I'm sorry for being inconsiderate, indecisive, not gay, not straight, not mature, not strong. For being a bad driver, for procrastinating, for complaining and for not thinking before I speak.
I know I've probably really pissed off a lot of people lately (Nick, Craig, possibly Corina, and Carl just to guess), and I'm really sorry... I just... well... I have no excuse, I'm just a horrible person...
Anyway, I'm going to go sleep now.

Bishonen: Kamui and Piro
Bishojo: Chi

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September 2015

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